Why I’m Spending My Retirement NestEgg

Posted By on Aug 31, 2013 | 0 comments


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What the hell, WordPress?…oh…I was about to curse WordPress, which actually I did already. I thought it was balking on adding “Random Shit” as a category for blog posts. I’m offended that WordPress would even consider doing this but apparently it was spinning CPU cycles because it took perhaps five or ten seconds to add the category.

But I digress and I haven’t even progressed far enough to justify a digression. Except maybe now.

I’ve decided I’m going to call talk to my money dude about getting some of my retirement savings. I’m not old enough to retire but that money is not really helping me right now. I mostly want to get it now because I want to take on less freelance work so I can take on more me-lance work. In other words writing my own books.

NOTE TO THE WEBS (my affectionate nickname for the Web): I hereby claim ME-LANCE™ a certified original word invented by me on this day, in the year of our Lord, August 30, 2013 at the site of the landing of the Her Majesty’s ship, Cliteracy, witnessed by the noble savages found upon these shores (which live entirely in my head in a post-racial America that could only exist in someone’s head). I am, ever yours, the first ME-LANCER™ in the history of history, and ever more shall be, Kingdom until end, amen.

(As a side note, Amen was an Egyptian deity, known as the “hidden one” or the king of the gods.)

I’ve got one nearly complete and it’s a doozy (Book! Keep up, will you?). The world will be shocked and empires will collapse. But not if they follow the 16 rules in my new book. The Dalai Lama has already promised to canonize me, which he can’t even do that shit but, for me, oh yeah. So I got that going for me.

Speaking of books, I read THE FUNNIEST BOOK IN THE HISTORY OF THE PRINTING PRESS this week. It’s the only book I can ever remember making me laugh uncontrollably out loud in public places. I have a high bar for humor. I have a high bar for chinups too and they both make me stronger.

The book is this one:

If you don’t read Jenny Lawson’s blog, The Bloggess, drop what you’re doing right now and go read it! And then click the link above and buy her damn book, Let’s Just Pretend This Never Happened. I’m not arguing with you about this. You can thank me later while you’re chortling over your iced grande latte with light ice and two Splenda.

Sort of sad non-sequitur

Really, WordPress? You want to change my misspelling of sequitur to requital (meaning “retribution.” For what is said retribution being laid upon me?)? And you still think sequitur is not a word? Do you know that WordPress does not have “WordPress” in the WordPress dictionary?

My father had a stroke two weeks ago and he’s never been quite the same. He was pretty fragile before and, of course, with strokes, you never know what deficits are temporary and which ones are permanent. For a very old guy, he came through it fairly intact, being about as unable to walk by himself as he was before the stroke.

But he’s clearly got some cognitive issues that may or may not go away. I can still make him laugh though, which is marvelous. He didn’t have any damage to the Broca’s area so his speech is fine.

You can see why this post has to be categorized under Random Shit. Things have been shitty and this is pretty random.

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